you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Houston, we have a squirter
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
