True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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