She announced her abortion via fbk
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
