i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
