Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
