Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
