im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
