So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
