kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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