Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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