You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
