He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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