I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Fuck appropriateness.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
