Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
