Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
