So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
