I'm going to jail i love you
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
