Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
