How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
