The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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