Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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