quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
