Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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