just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just pee around me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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