Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
