After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
