i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
