i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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