if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Someone came in the potted fern
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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