I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
