Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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