Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
