I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
