My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
