Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
