you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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