I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
