If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
