3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
