His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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