I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
