i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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