Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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