Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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