you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
