I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i think i have two assholes
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize