my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
