Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
