you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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