I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
