3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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