YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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