It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
