like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
