yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
