Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
