I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
