Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
