Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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