I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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