I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
